The Awkwardness of My Life

I swear I should have named this blog, The Awkwardness of My Life. Seriously, it describes my life a hella lot better and I have less spellcheck error situations (suckishness is not a real word).

     So to start things off, I didn't dye my hair lilac, I dyed it a cute Mag-Rose; it's short for magenta and rose petal. I had a brown, blond, mag-rose ombre thing going on. It was cute but now it's time for a more subtle hairstyle because I'm going to a wedding in two days.

     Oh yeah, so how am I stuck in yet another awkward situation? So I'm currently dating this guy (well apparently not because last night I called him my boyfriend and he said "When did I become your bf? There was no dtr" I didn't even know what that acronym stood for but evidently it's something couples must do as it verifies whether the two of you are in a relationship or not.) of whom no one thinks I should be in a relationship with and my big ex is coming home for Christmas.

    I know what you're thinking. "Oh my gosh Jonique, he's your ex and don't listen to what all your friends say" and I know. It's just that I like hanging out with both of them but they don't exactly "get along" and my ex is the nicest guy I know and I still feel guilty about everything I did to him. I'm not going to say I still like him because that would throw too many emotions into the pot that I don't need right now.

Also, I want him to come back and see me at my best but I'm doing my hair tomorrow and I'm going out tonight and I know I'll see him tonight when my hair is all not done and such and I'm just a nervous wreck of immense energy and I don't even think I make sense right now.

 I just took a breath.

But yeah, I'm terribly awkward and I don't know how I'm going to talk to him without letting my awkwardness affect the situation and then he'll think I'm not comfortable around him anymore and that'll just ruin EVERYTHING!!!

Uggghh. I need to relax.

Rainbows. Combat Boots. The Beach. Tacos. Clouds….

Ok. I just need to stop overcomplicating things. So what if I don't look my best tonight, he's my friend above everything else and he'll accept me, train wreck hair and all. And as for my not boyfriend, it's not that serious because we're fine the way we are, relationship or not, and we're not exactly the best candidates for the perfect relationship anyway, so I guess it all works out.

Why do girls always overcomplicate the situation?

Why Am I So Excited?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

So… I am too excited! Can you guess why?

I am dying my hair lilac!!!

      I know right. Out of the blue, I've decided to dye it lilac. So I made a tumblr and I started following this blog PrettyBlackPastel and now inspired to dye my hair. I put in a long weave at the beginning of the semester so I'm thinking, even if it turns out terrible, which it won't, I can just take out the weave. I've told my friends I'm dyeing my hair but I haven't told them exactly what I'm doing. When I get back to school they are going to flip out. I'm also so nervous. I only have one more week of school so I really don't feel like I have anything to worry about. Also if push comes to shove I have a variety of hats.

     Eeeeee! I'm so nervous though. One of my friends, my "guy friend", said he will disown me if I dye my whole head pink. And some of my friends said I should just do the tips of my hair [just breathe Jay] but I feel like the tips only would look weird because my hair is brown, it's not like jet black. I feel like Bring On The Color I'm Going All Out Bitches! Excuse me I'm just so hype.

Wish me luck guys!

Pseudo Self-Reflection

You don't have to be pretty to have a good time…


I was originally going to blog about how suckish my life has been but after a semi-invigorating speech from my bestie's bf and a little self reflection, I realize the thing that has me down in the dumps is him.

Yes him.

This boy is the reason I've been so sad. And why should I let anyone have that kind of power over me.
Okay I'm trying not to rant but I can't help it. I'm a ranter(sp?).

So I've decided not to let anything get me down because I'm Lady J! And if you don't know me, that means I'm pretty fucking awesome. And I don't have to put up with anything that makes me feel terrible about myself. And I don't say this because I'm cocky. I'm saying this because it not only applies to me, but to everyone else out there. You shouldn't do anything (or anyone) that makes you unhappy.

But yes I'm pretty damn cocky.

If he's always yelling at me and makes me sleep on the edge of the bed or never shows any PDA what-so-ever, it's my fault for putting up with it. I have my own bed, I don't have to listen to what he says, and also there are other boys. I was actually invited on a date today.

I know, me. A date! Which would be awesome.

He invited me to the movies. If I was interested, I'd definitely say yes. But I am not, for shallow, shallow reasons.

So this weekend while he's gone, I'm going to party like it's 1699. Yep, I'm going hard. Then I'm going to make my video (from the last blog post). I actually haven't reread that post yet. I wonder what I said…

Anyways, I'd like to thank Pop Punk music and Organic Chemistry for cheering me up. Yes I love Chemistry, don't judge me.

Yay All Time Low and Cleavage to Carbonyl Compounds using Oxidation.


mini rant:

So he's just not the guy I used to like. He's so rude to me and pretty much treats me like I'm a non-factor which I'm not. I'm the most fucking awesomest person out there and I'm pretty upset. And the worst part is he can't see it. I tell you everyone else can but him. And if I even sigh he'll say "Don't come with that bullshit, you know I treat you better than everyone else." Well news flash! Taking me out for sushi dates (I don't even like sushi that much (I had been trying to go out for tacos with him for about 2 weeks no lie but he doesn't like soft-shell tacos so he won't go out with me)) or puckering your lips every once in a while so I don't seem upset does not count as treating me better than everyone else. I'm tired of getting cursed at multiple times a day for bullshit. I don't know who you think you are or what you think I did to you, but I don't deserve this.

I'm hungry...

Early Morning Chronicles

I've just decided that I can do anything I want and going to make a video of my Crazy Stupid Life. 

Please forgive me it's almost 4 o'clock in the morning and I have and 8o'clock class in a few. 

 After I make the video I'll put a link up here so everyone can see it. I'm pretty sure I can become famous, I'm just saying. 

So this whole week I've been freaking out and I can't say why but I can just say it's been driving me insane. I think if I have to wait another day I'm going to explode... from anxiety... and stress omg.

Hmmm but now that I think about it, that's why I blog. So I don't explode. 

Ahhhh! I need something to distract me! Ok so next week is Halloween and I'm going to have the best costume ever. No, I'm not dressing up in skimpy clothing but I will give you a hint, it's a video game/movie character. The clothes that I ordered online might not come until after Halloween but I'm still so excited!!! If anyone can guess who I'm going as, I will love them forever. 

Forgive my terrible diction and syntax but I am so tired. I might not even wake up tomorrow morning. I think I might just pull an all nighter... unless I get too tired. 

Ahhhhh, my phone is on 4% but I will continue to type! Omg I'm going to regret publishing this in the morning when I am fully rested. Anyways, I guess I'll give an accurate update on my life next time. 

Maybe I'll proofread this in the morning too... or maybe tomorrow I'll use all the time I can get for sleep. Goodnight!

My Conundrum

I haven't been posting lately because my mind has been so preoccupied with this problem. In fact, I have a conundrum. So I've been casually seeing this friend of mine, on/off, for about 7 months now. I liked him but I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him after my Big Breakup. We're still "seeing each other casually" but the situation is more complicated. I would love to be his girlfriend now but I can't. And here are FIVE reasons as to why I cannot.

1. I made a promise to myself in the 11th grade that I would only have one more boyfriend.
And Lo and Behold! my Big Ex was my third boyfriend. We dated for almost a year before I completely destroyed the relationship. I just feel like it wouldn't be right.

2. He doesn't like me now as much as he did before.
He doesn't really hate me but I can tell things are different now. Last semester he used to come up to my room just to hang out with me. This year, everything is different. He almost never comes to my room. When he does, it's because he wants to talk to one of my suite mates and not me. I can honestly say he treats every one of his female friends better than he does me. He's not flirting with them. He's honestly just nicer to them. If there's something funny on his phone, he'll show it to them and ignore me. If he finds something cool or if he can do something cool, he show them how to do it. I'd have to ask for his attention. And if I do he'll hit me with his signature catch phrase "Shut up woman!" I really can't deal with that. Speaking of which...

3. He always insults me now.
I swear he treats everyone better than he does me. In the Caf, our school cafeteria, I am the butt of all his jokes. He will never say anything if the others are joking about me. In fact, he'll join in. And don't get me started on how many compliments I get from him. The number is probably ranges from 0-1. And whenever we're alone it's just quiet, or he's insulting me. You'd think he'd be nicer to me when we're in private right. Wrong! I told him off about it but he really does not think that he's not nice to me. Everyone can see this but he can't.

4. I don't know how to be in a relationship.
Like what do I do? What if we want to break up? What if the ex that he worships comes back to the school? Like what do we do then? What if I make the same mistake that I did with my ex. He'd kill me. I don't want to risk that. You know what they say, 'Once a cheater always a cheater...'

5. It won't be fair if we get together.
Last night he got super drunk and he was yelling at me. He's was saying stuff like it's not fair that when he liked me, whatever he did wasn't good enough and now that I like him it's magically enough. He also said that he doesn't like being the second choice just because that the guy I used to like isn't here this semester and now he gets a chance.

I put point 5 in there because I'm not the sole victim. I just don't know what my next move should be.

Updated

I may or may not have been avoiding my blog for some time now. This is just a little post to say I haven't totally forgotten about it. I've just been a kinda out of it lately, with school starting and all. It's been stupid crazy and only three weeks have passed.

Just A Fill-In

So I am eating a grilled cheese while drinking some Herbal Tea and I cannot begin to describe how cool I feel. It's time to fill you in.
So first of all the Vegan Diet was a success and I lost about 8 pounds that I may or may not have gained back. I feel like we shouldn't judge me. I actually gained back like 2 pounds but that's not really a big deal.
So for the past couple of weeks I've been trying to Lucid Dream. I want to control my dreams. The reason why this is so important to me is because I've been obsessed with this PSVita game Gravity Rush for ever now and I want to become a Gravity Shifter. And last night I was!
I was not actually controlling my dream but I was still a Gravity Shifter, which is what counts.

So I have been thinking about facial jewelry and getting a job and such. I'm thinking about removing my nose ring and getting snakebites instead. But I don't want the snakebites to be too obvious and I also don't want to jeopardize any chances of my getting a job or anything. Also I play sport so I'm worried about that. But I really want these. Should I get them?
Also this summer, before I go back to school. I am getting Ombre Hair!!! I'm so excited. I'm half worried it'll look terrible but I'm still super excited.
Oh and it is possible to cover tattoos with makeup right? I don't know why I didn't think of that. So if I get a tattoo on the back of my neck I can cover it with my hair and concealer right.

And lastly. My big ex and I are talking again! This is all rushed I apologize

Vegan Time

I am going vegan.

So I have been gaining weight since I've gone to college and I don't like that. Also I just came back from vacation and I gained about 5 more pounds. So instead of slipping into depression like I would normally, I've decided to go vegan. That's right. No meat, no dairy, just vegan food. But don't worry, this is only for a week. I'm really excited about it too. So one of my favorite movies is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and (you won't understand this unless you're a complete nerd) Todd was a vegan (debatable) and he had vegan super-powers. I want super-powers. And I bet you do too. And heck, maybe if I like being vegan I'll stick with it. Wait, never mind I take that back. But I will take this seriously though. Hopefully being a vegan isn't too expensive either.

Goodness I'm so excited.

Also is there some kind of vegan pledge?

"I will not eat ...blah..blah... from the ovum....blah..blah... anything with a face.....breast-milk....I want to be a vegan."

Listen to Yourself Before You Get Sick!

I gave myself one rule!

Actually I give myself a lot of rules but this was one of the most important ones. I told myself never drink a bottle of water that has been opened that has been on my counter for more than a day. I usually listen to this rule. I usually never break this rule. But I did and now I'm sick. Yes I get sick from drinking old opened (not open) bottles of water. Well more of a sore throat but it'll evolve over the course of a few days. And why did I drink this water even though I knew this would happen?

I was afraid. Like seriously scared out of my pants and I didn't want to leave my room. On my way in from the fridge I thought I saw a person by the bathroom door and I freaked out but then I relaxed saying it was only my brother but I kept looking at the spot and it was gone and my brother's door was still closed (the bathroom is about two feet away from my room and my brother's room is like two feet away from the bathroom so I was fairly close to the scene) so I freaked out again and ran inside my room. I then walked out to the kitchen even though I was scared out of my wits to get some gummy bears and water and while I was in the fridge getting the gummy bears I heard a squeak from when I pulled out the bottom drawer and I got so scared that I hi-tailed it back to my room. I realized I forgot the water but I was way too scared to go back outside. Then I looked on the dressing table and there it was, in all it's glory. So I uncapped the bottle and drank the evil refreshingness.

And then I woke up this morning feeling terrible. Of course I've thrown away the bottle but still the damage is already done. So now I have to find a way to get rid of this irritation in my throat before I get sick. Or sicker. So I'm going to do the only thing I can. I'm going to drink to kill the bacteria. Surprisingly it's already began to work. I think. I hope. Oh well.

Just Tell Them How You Feel

So they say when you miss someone, just go ahead and call them up or text them how you feel and it'll be easy but I'm sure everyone who is actually missing someone right now knows that this is total B.S. I know for a fact that sometimes you'll really miss someone but calling them up is out of the question. Your friends will say stuff like just go for it and it'll be easy but in actuality, it's really not. Calling up a person you like or cared for and saying "Hey, I really miss you" is actually really hard. At my university, I live in suite full of girls and I can honesty say it is hard for some girls to even talk to their crushes. I have been a victim of 'I have the text already typed up on my phone but I can't bring myself to send it to him'. I've even had friends tackle me and send the text for me. And that's not even the worst part, the wait for a reply could have made me kill myself. But once you get the reply saying whatever that person replies, it has got to be one of the best feelings on the planet. I legit almost pulled out my hair once all while trying to convince myself that I wouldn't get a response back and that the guy hated me (over thinking really is one of the stupidest things a girl can do (trust me I have stories)) but when I heard my text-tone for him go off, I legit ran around my dormitory screaming and squealing (don't ask me why). It wasn't even the text that made me happy but the fact that I did something that was afraid to do and I was rewarded. I'm not sure if that made any sense but I'm just saying, it's not going to be easy, it's actually going to be really frickin' hard. But once everything goes down, you'll probably be very pleased with the results.

Why do I feel like I've posted something like this before?

So disrespectful

So I was about to start blogging about how content I am with life when some guy starts texting and calling me asking for my friend. I ask my friend what's up and she says she doesn't know the guy. So I tell him this and he starts asking me if I have a boyfriend and stuff so I lie and hang up but he keeps calling me. I tell him "Please stop calling me" and apparently this is the most disrespectful thing on the planet because he starts asking me to suck is dick and all other sorts of profanities. It's taking a lot for me to stay calm and not curse him out even though I really want to. I feel like this is a test of patience so I'm going to do my best to ignore it. But if anyone else wants to do something about it, here's his number:

(340)-244-2893

A Short On Discipline

Am I getting fat? I think so. I'm taking Summer classes and I get so bored that all I do is go on the internet and eat. I know that there's nothing wrong with being fat but the fact that I'm losing my self control is what's bothering me. Like I would eat my food and instead of putting the remainders in the fridge, I'll put it by my bed and wait a few minutes to eat the rest. I kid you not, a couple days ago I bought a parmesan bread bowl from dominoes, ate like half the bread bowl, realized I was full, and still ate the rest. Like my stomach was hurting and I still ate the rest. What is happening to me? By force-discipling myself and taking Summer classes am I actually un-discipling myself? All I know is that I need to tighten my grip on my rules. Or exercise more. I'll probably do both.

Misunderstanding

So I've been doing some self analyzing and I guess some would say I've been with too many guys over the last couple of months but I'm really not a slut or anything like that. So I'm going to break it down.  Five guys. Six months. Let's go.

Guy number one was my boyfriend. I loved him but I had to break up with him for reasons I'm not ready to reveal. When we broke up he gave one last knee buckling kiss then walked away. It was a life changing break-up.

Guy number two. Remember that guy from that one post who I knew from long and he's so smart and amazing? He had a girlfriend. Yep. My Festival Love/Winter Romance had a girlfriend waiting for him, back in the states. Yes. I almost popped a blood vessel when I heard that. If I've ever felt guilty about kissing a guy, it was definitely then. He didn't even tell me. I had to find out from my friends, some who actually thought I knew about it and just didn't care. My morals are still here people. It's crazy. So it's not like Spring came and I was just like time to ditch him and move on.

Guy number three. That Boy! Yes I've kissed him because I was crushing on him. I kissed my crush. Is that a crime? No, it's what people do. Sad to say I don't think it was working out.

Guy number four. Uglies dream/guy friend/person I know I'm not pursuing a relationship with now. That last description was a little hostile but I know that he's not the guy I'm not going to start dating. At first I was like maybe but now, I know that's not happening. We're definitely better off as just friends.

Guy number five. My best friend's boyfriend's cousin whom I kissed after being devastatingly shot down by my crush (It seemed devastating at the time but it really wasn't (Actually I wasn't turned down at all I was just imagining the whole scene the way it did not happen. (Too much alcohol actually))).

So that last one is bad but everyone makes mistakes. And right now I don't think I'm about to kiss any other guys until about a millennia or two passes.

I Can't Explain This Feeling

     It's been a while I know but I'm here. Exams are finally over I'm finally home. Also I've finally taken a step in my love life. I don't know which direction but it's a step nonetheless. I've admitted to myself that I do have some type of feelings for my guy friend from my Uglies dream. I guess if I really looked into the dream at the time I would have realized that it meant everyone had to get surgery to make them beautiful but you didn't need the surgery or something like that. I don't know exactly what I'm doing or where I'm going with this but I know it's going somewhere.
    The only thing is, once we were listening to Hanging On by Ellie Goulding from the God of War Ascension trailer and he kissed me and I started to cry. Like tears just fell from my eyes slowly. It was really strange but what's even stranger is that I know why it happened. The song sounds nothing like dubstep I know but it did at one certain part, like a soft bass drop or something and that's when he kissed me and it reminded me of my ex. Not just any ex, my big ex. It was so weird. It was like I was back at his house and we were on the couch and he was playing one of his favorite dubstep songs and we were cuddling and he looked into my eyes and he kissed me. It was for like a split second and then I remembered where I was and who was there and not there and tears just started to fall. I really don't know what's happening to me. I really don't know what that was. I miss him yeah, he's more than miles away yeah but this was more than that.

I wish I knew how to explain it.

I'm Legit

So I just realized something. That I'm amazing. Like super/seriously amazing. And I'm not trying to be cocky, because I know there are people who are ten times more amazing than I am. People who accomplish greater things, kinder people and more well known people but in my eyes, I'm legit. Am I excited to have found this information out? Of course I'm excited to have realized this. I'm this amazing person with a personality that's never been seen before and if someone doesn't understand that, I'm fine with it. There might not be dozens of people lined up at my door to date me and I might not be the coolest person out there but I know there are people who would love to be with me somewhere out there. I just have to wait and be patient. I! am not pathetic and I refused be thought of as such (by myself) anymore. I'm not about to chase after something that's not there. Writing this just makes me smile. And I think I'll be okay.

Also it's Summer Time!!!!! Today is my last day of classes and then I have exams next week. Then I'm finished with school!!!!! Until a week later when I have to come back and take an extra course because its not offered next semester. Strangely though, I'm really excited. Its not like it's Summer School, I'm just taking a course this Summer. I've never done schooling in the summer before so I want to see what it's like. I kinda hope I'll be in a room by myself this summer. It'll be an interesting change from staying in a room with 5 other girls. I can't wait!

On a more important note. If there's anyone out there who wants to help me out. One of my closest friends is in military school and he ended up in the hospital and he's in a rough place right now. He's doing fine for now but he's about to get some news that could change is life. If there is anyone who believes in prayer, can you just keep him in your heart? Thank you so much.

I'm Excited and Nervous

     I'm about to have the best day ever tomorrow, or today. The semester is almost over and I'm about to go out with a bang. Not literally. I could get thrown in jail for that. Last semester at this time I did something I never thought I would do so this semester I have to do the same.
     So this weekend was amazing. My university has two campuses and some students from the next one came over to participate in what we call the Spring Olympics. We competed in different sports and activities for the whole weekend. My campus won naturally but I also got to see my best friend. I also met some really cool people who's company I'm going to miss. I think I mostly enjoyed this weekend because it opened my eyes to something. I realized just how much attention I've been receiving from a certain somebody so that's what I'm going to deal with tomorrow.
Oh so guess what!
     So I'm warming up for volleyball and a bunch of us are bumping and spiking in one circle. So everyone's bumping, spiking, digging, setting and that guy who've I've been obsessing over for decades now decides that it'll be a great idea to spike the ball at my face. I of course dodge it because I have amazing reflexes though. I'm really proud of that because it was coming in fast, but I also can't stop smiling though because even though I gave him the worst look I could possibly give a person, at one point we were just bumping to each other, no one else. I'm such a loser but I really do enjoy volleyball. There's just always a reason to love volleyball. And cute boys. But mostly volleyball. So if we mix the two I'll be very happy. Don't even get me started on what happened at the beach. It really was a great weekend though. Hopefully I can make this a great week too.

The Ugly Ducking

So I went home for the weekend because my godmother died (Bless Her Soul) and it turns out my big ex came home for Spring Break. All my friends said he was there so I texted him. He was at our local pub an he accidentally sent me the text "I bet she doesn't even think about me". So I'm like what are you talking about and he says I won't understand and even if I do it doesn't matter. So I texted back I'm sorry and he texts back that doesn't mean anything coming from you.

Yeah, it kinda stung.

Then the next day I asked him to come over so we could see each other before we leave and he said okay. We talked and caught up and everything was awesome, except I felt different around him. I just felt... ugly. And lame. Like I shouldn't have even been talking to him. Like I wasn't good enough for him. It's not like he looked amazing and I paled in comparison to the new him or anything like that. I just suddenly felt like the ugliest person on the planet. Like all my flaws were multiplied by a thousand. I felt sunburned and fat, like I was balding and my hair was falling out, peeling and discolored skin. Just gross. Like I almost couldn't stay in the same room as him. Lately I've been really confident with how I look, but last night. I just felt different around him. The next day I felt fine, like a swan or a butterfly, but last night. All my confidence just shriveled up and left.

The last time I felt like that, was in my freshman year of high school. Like an ugly loser who just doesn't fit in amongst everyone else. What the fuck happened to me last night?

I just can't stop thinking about it.

A Prayer For Strength, Protection, and Forgiveness

I didn't want to disturb my roommate with my murmuring so decided to write out my prayer instead.

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for what you've done and what you're doing. I ask that you protect me while I'm sleeping. Protect everyone in Suite 430 and 450 and just everyone in the University in general. I ask that you me the strength and guidance to avoid any situations that will make me have any regrets. I ask that you give everyone the strength to avoid doing anything they don't want to. Lord I just ask to not be in anymore of these situations. Also I ask for your forgiveness. In your name I pray, Amen"

It might be obvious that something happened this weekend that I regret but I feel as though that's a story for another time when I can come to terms with it. Until then though

So Jumbled Up

I'm so stressed out right now. I've failed multiple exams so far and I'm scared that I'll lose my scholarship. Then my so called friend (Uglies Dream) stole my glasses because he thought'd it'd be funny (I feel strongly about this because I couldn't see the board in any of my classes, so I couldn't take notes, so I'm going to fail my other exams as well) and we got into an argument because he doesn't think he was wrong. Then my text-conversations with That Boy! are fine but we never have face-to-face conversations so I feel like everything is going nowhere and everyone keeps making fun of me or talking bad about him and I'm just like "Just make it stop. Make everything stop." I think I'm going home tomorrow. I just need a break and I can't deal with everything right now. Everything's about to blow. How do I know? Every little thing that happens is annoying me. I definitely need a break. I just want to pull out my hair, Or maybe I should stay here and attempt to relax myself somehow. I don't know. I honestly just wish there was someone over here that I could talk to. I think I'm losing it. I need to go for a swim.

The Blogger

She sat in the Administrator's Office waiting patiently for him to come. She checked her pocket watch 5 times every second. She looked out the window to her dormitory where her laptop sat. She had 3 exams this week but all she could think about was her blog. She hadn't blogged in weeks because she was so busy. She thought back to her previous posts. Were anyone reading them? If she knew someone was reading her posts that would be enough to carry her through the days. It's been so long since she actually told anyone about all her problems and keeping everything inside was killing her. Suddenly the doors opened and her heart skipped a beat. A woman in a black pencil skirt and graying hair walked through.
"I'm sorry ma'am, can you come back later? It seems he hasn't come in today." She looked away sadly and swallowed the lump in her throat. The sadness was too great. At least there was something to blog about now.

Right Now by Rihanna

Right Now?
I'm just chilling. Literally. I'm by the beach at night and its freezing cold. It's mysteriously starry so it's the perfect place for inspiration with my story (A Dark Love on Wattpad). I'm also out here just to clear my head. I don't necessarily want to be alone but I didn't want to stay where I was. Just somewhere different. Someone to talk to would be great too. Like my best-friend from home. That'd be cool. I kinda want to go skinny dipping but I'll save that for another day.

Guess what.

Volleyball season started and I love it. Even if we lose. I'm so excited for our next game. Also I got a tattoo and it's pretty fucking awesome. It's on my calf and it's truly a great form of self-expression. I guess it's time to go back to my room. I'm getting sand everywhere. But first, I'll stare out at the ocean and think about everything that's important to me at this point in time. Then I'll look up at the sky and ask myself, is everything that I'm doing now for them worth it?

Time To Make Some Decisions

Hey Everybody!

So I've been missing lately and its because I've had a lot of things on my plate. First of all, my friend, the "hot" one from my Uglies dream, and I have been talking and he likes me. He's liked me for some time now and a long time ago I liked him too but now, sometimes I'd feel the same way and sometimes I didn't. Obviously this was a problem. Sometimes we were like a couple and sometimes I just felt like we should stay friends. Then I realized, its probably not that I like him, I just miss being in a relationship and I shouldn't let that affect whether I like a person or not. You would think that with my tastes I'd like him right. I mean he's really cool and I like hanging out with him but I just don't feel the same way. I never wanted to tell him this though because I didn't want to lose him as a friend but I can't keep stringing him along you know. My not liking him has nothing to do with the fact that I still like that other guy not. I'll call him That Boy! I'm talking to That Boy! again and we get along greatly. I first texted him again when we were at a game and he tumbled. Like serious tumble. Like Scarlet Takes A Tumble kind of tumble. I was like "Oh my shit are you okay?" and next thing I know we're talking again. I love it though. My friend is always calling him a dick though. Like serious not-likeage of That Boy! He actually told me why he does though. He said "I don't really get jealous [I scoffed]. I'm serious, the only reason why I am now is because I don't have you so you can go anytime you want." It was incredibly sweet but then I felt terrible. Also one of my super close friends in the suite likes him too and I feel so bad that I'm stringing him along. So I guess it's time now to cut that string and hope for the best. Also try to get everyone used to the idea of myself talking to That Boy! and get them to stop thinking he's a total dick (for some odd reason that I had nothing to do with).

Dear Diary [Entry #2]

I feel as though with no drama there is nothing for me to ponder over during the long and tedious hours. My mind constantly tries to un-wean itself from the one to whom I am terribly attracted. My physical yearns desperately to press itself against another just because. My essence though. My essence questions this atrocious behavior in the most direct manner. Why are you doing this? Where do these acts stem from? I feel fine on the outside but underneath I am drowning in a sea of answers. Only I don't know which answers are mine. I don't know which crest and trough is mine to follow and I fight violently against each. Or maybe I do know to which I belong but subconsciously I rather starve my lungs and fall deeper than accept the help of the current of which a despise the most.

Bet On It Red NailPolish

"'You look nice in red.' 'You should wear red more often.' When in fact I don't like red. It represents everything I'm afraid of. Passion. Anger. Hate. I've drawn these lines and I don't plan on crossing them anytime soon. This is a color I have associated with pain. "

I used to be afraid of red, jumping when it flashed before my eyes, shuddering when I saw someone wearing a devilish dress. But as I stare at my red nail polish I think to myself, what if I'm fearing the wrong thing. What if passion and pain are things we need to survive. What if expressing anger and embracing your hate is a form of self expression and makes you stronger? Makes you grow into a better person? I've been crossing certain lines and breaking different barriers lately. What if these aren't boundaries to keep us in, but obstacles that we are to tear down and overcome?

I really do look nice in red.

With nail polish almost as dark as the life force running through my veins I try to embrace this new line of vision. It is... strengthening. It feels good. Theres a new light to my sight and I am enjoying every second of it. With skyscrapers in my way to destroy, what is there to stop me from trying to achieve my goals? Anything I've ever wanted. It's animating. It's invigorating. It's, enlightening. I feel empowered and that's important. In fact, it may just be the only thing that matters.

I used to stay on the cool blue side, staying safe from danger and harm. But now, I'm walking through the danger zone, pushing my limits and experimenting with new red-velvet chemicals.
And you know what?

It feels good.

Epiphany = Mental Freedom

     Its a beautiful Saturday and I have tons of homework to do and I have a basketball game to attend AND I'm going to the movies tomorrow. Of course, here I am on my bed thinking about random stuff instead. So I have had an epiphany and now I know for sure I'm not just crazy and I'm not just obsessing over this A person. In fact, I wasn't even the person who noticed it. My friend reactivated his Facebook and one notification said "1mill (over exaggeration) mutual friends and he clicked it and thought it was me. Turns out it was A. And then everyone confirmed that he looks like I (purposeful error). Apparently apart from the same skin tone, we have the same eyes, same nose, same forehead, same smile. Of course at first I was freaking out and I fell to the floor in a short display of spasms but now? So many questions are being answered. Like "Why do I find him terribly attractive? " or "Why does he remind me of me?" and of course the "Why on earth does he seem so familiar?" It's like a window has been opened and this crisp breeze is so refreshing. I suppose I can say I don't like him any more but I still notice him in my sea of nearsightedness and I still feel a little stab when he looks me in the eye but I'm pretty sure that's it. Like legit, I was at the salad bar (getting lettuce for my burger duh (veggie burger though)) and he walked into the cafeteria (I felt it in my chest) and when I looked at me I noticed I was glaring at him. Or course I looked back up and smiled because I don't like being mean. I'm really proud of this moment though. It shows I'm not a total victim to his looks.

       Of course my friends will be happy to hear that I'm finished this because they all think I'm a dick, because I liked a dick. On Wednesday when we out to party a bit, and I was in a soberer state than most of my friends and I will not be able to count how many times they called him a dick. Of course I found it ridiculous and terribly annoying but I couldn't deny that it was the truth. I'm pretty sure one of them threatened to punch me in the face so defending him was the last thing I was about to do. Also a girl he's been trying to talk to has knocked him down a couple notches when we were talking to her so in my mind he's not oh-my-goodness-amazing-human-being-A anymore. Now he's just regular-guy-only-I-find-attractive-A.

It's weird how he's still the point of my whole blog post though.

Sine Graph

"I can get low...don't know which way is up. Yeah I can get high... like I can never come down" - Marilyn Monroe

My life? It's a sine graph. I'm like that in-between-the-chorus-and-verse-bridge of that Nicki Minaj song Marilyn Monroe. You don't have to look that up. I am destined to permanently to be up one day and down another. Like one moment I swear I'm super pissed at A and the other I'm making out with my hot guy friend from my Uglies dream. Yes this is a true story. I don't know what happened but it escalated quickly and happened for about five hours...

Sine graph.

Like one moment I'm laying down and he's trying to comfort me and the next, we're making out. What the heck is happening? We talked about and we're cool now but we're still in shock.

Sine graph

One of my suite-mates and I have decided we are going to be more like tangent graphs. Of course the two of us are still sine-ing it up. So we have decided to make rules. Rule #1. No making out with guys we don't know. Rule #2. Having a nice face does not count as knowing him. Of course theses are the only rules we have so far but still. I feel like they will be pretty effective. Of course we are trying to go out almost every day this week. Hmm, maybe those rules wont help anyone.

Sine graph

I'm done with A. I'm not going to get into it right now because its terribly embarrassing but just know that its seriously over. Total asshole status. But whatever, he is now the sexy asshole. Hmmm, I think I should change his name in my phone to that. I feel like that will help me not text him in case I forget.

Sine graph

Basically the moral of this story is boys will get you into trouble.

The Pretties

     Hmmm beauty. What does it mean? So I had this dream based on this book series I read called the Uglies. Read it. In my dream, everyone were "Uglies" and we were going to undergo a surgery that would turn us into "Pretties" (make our faces symmetrical, fix our skin, etc) and everyone became a pretty except one of my friends (he's pretty attractive btw). So this dream got me thinking about what it means to be beautiful. Turns out I have no clue. When guys compliment me I just brush it off. My mom raised me to not trust any boys compliments because they only want sex but her motto came with a few side effects. Like if I'm complimented too much I start to believe its not true. Or if I like a guy and my friends say "Don't worry you're gorgeous ", I feel like they're just saying that because they're my friends. Don't get me wrong, I like my face. In fact I love my face.
     If I get the chance I will probably look at myself. Maybe not for hours long but one or two seconds max. The thing is, just because I like my face doesn't mean I'm exactly "good-looking". I'm like a decent average looking person and you know what? I don't mind. In fact, it's not that important to me. I love myself and that's all that matters. Occasionally I will take a compliment to heart and it'll really make my day but usually I like when people compliment my intelligence or my sense of humor or stuff like that. That's why I've never understood why some of my friends think being pretty is the most important thing ever. In my dream my "ugly" friend was still attractive to me even though everyone thought he was hideous.

I don't really know where I'm going with this but the moral of this story is just calm down with the looks thing. Chances are you're fine just the way you are (as long as you upkeep yourself).

Carpe!

So its been a while I know but things have really been awesome lately. Firstly A and I are talking again. I know. What the heck am I thinking? Well, after I got slightly (incredibly) drunk on Sunday night (Yes Sunday night), I texted him right before I passed out. The next day we texted it out and now we're good. I assume we're just friends but he said I assume too much so I'll save that for later.
Also I went out last night but not to party and do-the-dirty like most girls at my college do on Wednesday nights. And I had thee best time ever. We went to this place called Taco Hell and I could just eat their tacos all night. Like legit tacos. And only for $2. Deal? I think so. Then we listened to these reggae/rock bands at this bar. They were white (with one black keyboardist) but the lead singers had locks. I usually don't like to see white people with locks but they looked so cute. Tacos and reggae/rock bands? Best night ever. I was also able to wake up this morning get to class and get breakfast. Most people aren't able to say that. I danced with the lead singer of one bands just cause but not serious or anything because I'm still so hype about my new texting buddy. I ran into him on my way to Trig and all through class I was on a different kind of high.
Starstruck?
I think so. He's hilarious and hot and he thinks he's smarter than me. Cute. I'm Lady J though. And that means I'm a genius. Anyways, even if I talk about him too much I don't care because apparently this is the happiest I've been in a long time. So here's some of the lamest advice you'll ever hear in your lifetime. If you want something? Go For It. My first tattoo? Carpe Noctem.

Look it up.

This Stress Will Be the Death of Me

I've been having thee most terrible week ever. Or maybe the best I'm not sure. So first of all (Jubidiah!) at the beginning of the week, the first person I run into in the cafeteria at Brunch is A, like legit almost ran into each other. Then he just walks away like he didn't see me. When I went to sit down my friends tell me he actually did say hi to me but just really softly. I like legit almost passed out. I even spilled my water all over the table. I'm just a wreck. And guess what? You know how Tuesdays are supposed to be my good days? Well my Tuesday was insane. So I was sitting at this picnic/bench apparatus and I put my hand under the table and apparently I disturbed this wasp-like creature cause it's whole family attacked me. I screamed and fell out of the bench and more stung me. I ran all the way to the second floor bathroom. I was stung on my right arm in three different places. My arm is still swollen. Universe why! At least in the cafeteria A came all the way back into the cafeteria to tell me Hi again. Apparently my Hi back was pretty pathetic though. I need to stop talking about him!!! Even though my heart legit stops when I see him. I'm near sighted but I'll see him at the back of the cafeteria perfectly when I just walk in. Is that weird?
Also I lost my identification. I lost my Student I.D. which is also my room key card. I've been running all around the campus looking for it. I still haven't found it and I was late to Trigonometry so I didn't get any credit for the day. I'm going to fail this class and lose my scholarship and drop out of college and die. On the bright side my suite-mates and friends have been thee most amazing people ever. They are hilarious and amazing. I love them so much. They make my life a little less suckish.

I Don't Understand Why...

     Boys are stupid. A doesn't want to talk to me and I don't blame him but I'm still hurt by it. I talked to him about everything and he said its okay but thats basically the last that we've texted. I don't even know if I like him or not but I do know I feel terrible about everything. Also, here's a funny side story. That super-awesome-amazing guy I was talking about has a girlfriend. I was only around for sex. I really though he was a sweet guy you know. We've known each other for years. Years. Thanks, you really made my goddamn day. This sounds a little sad and depressing but it's raining outside and I'm listening to I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace and it's on repeat. Also I might be on the verge of tears but I'm not sure because I'm so bad at expressing myself. He actually texted me today but I just couldn't answer back. I just can't. I'm just a hot mess. And I as I sit here trying to not destroy my keyboard with tiny drops of water that rain down from my eyeballs, I think to myself, I probably deserve this but just ten times worse. But that's okay because I'm just going to pick myself up and keep going.

     I've actually made up my mind about something. I'm not going to get together or do anything with anyone until it's a burning desire. Until its all I can think about and I feel terribly strong about it.

     Also one of my friend's told me I push guys away when they care about me. I think about most of my exes and I start to think "Maybe she's right..." Too bad that information doesn't help me now. I'm just about finished with guys.

     I don't even know what the moral of this story is. I'll just sit down here by myself in the middle of the night terribly confused.

A is for Accident?

So I feel as though I screwed this up big time. I always either over-react or under-react and this time I might have over-reacted. You remember that time I was screaming like a crazy person because I was venting? Well now I feel like it wasn't that serious. Now.... I feel like I have wronged A. Yes out of the blue I have wronged him. Cause I'm terribly mean. I'm actually giving myself multiple headaches thinking about this. I don't know why its bothering me so much. Do I need closure? Do I really like him? Why? There's just something about him. Why do I continually stress myself out? I saw him last night. His friends were standing next to my friends and I kissed someone else right in front of him. Maybe he really didn't care. Maybe he was hurt. I don't know. His friend won't talk to me anymore. Basically. So that means A is upset right. I'm def going to talk to him after I think this through a little more. What if I'm over-reacting (again) though and he seriously does not care. Then I'll look like an idiot. I guess that's a chance I'm willing to take. I mean I didn't even say hi to him. Sometimes I think he's just so sweet and shy. And other times I'm just like nope, he's a total player. I'm going back to school on Saturday and if I don't do something before then, I'll be thee most awkward person in the cafeteria at dinner (cause that's the only time I see him). I'm going to talk to him. Because I'm a fool. A total pawn in his hands. Or its what I'm supposed to do. I just don't know.

I just took a walk and I've decided that I will do this. Just the look that his friend gave me was just like "Damn, you're a terrible person." I guess I will do it now so wish me luck.