Dear Diary [Entry #2]

I feel as though with no drama there is nothing for me to ponder over during the long and tedious hours. My mind constantly tries to un-wean itself from the one to whom I am terribly attracted. My physical yearns desperately to press itself against another just because. My essence though. My essence questions this atrocious behavior in the most direct manner. Why are you doing this? Where do these acts stem from? I feel fine on the outside but underneath I am drowning in a sea of answers. Only I don't know which answers are mine. I don't know which crest and trough is mine to follow and I fight violently against each. Or maybe I do know to which I belong but subconsciously I rather starve my lungs and fall deeper than accept the help of the current of which a despise the most.

Bet On It Red NailPolish

"'You look nice in red.' 'You should wear red more often.' When in fact I don't like red. It represents everything I'm afraid of. Passion. Anger. Hate. I've drawn these lines and I don't plan on crossing them anytime soon. This is a color I have associated with pain. "

I used to be afraid of red, jumping when it flashed before my eyes, shuddering when I saw someone wearing a devilish dress. But as I stare at my red nail polish I think to myself, what if I'm fearing the wrong thing. What if passion and pain are things we need to survive. What if expressing anger and embracing your hate is a form of self expression and makes you stronger? Makes you grow into a better person? I've been crossing certain lines and breaking different barriers lately. What if these aren't boundaries to keep us in, but obstacles that we are to tear down and overcome?

I really do look nice in red.

With nail polish almost as dark as the life force running through my veins I try to embrace this new line of vision. It is... strengthening. It feels good. Theres a new light to my sight and I am enjoying every second of it. With skyscrapers in my way to destroy, what is there to stop me from trying to achieve my goals? Anything I've ever wanted. It's animating. It's invigorating. It's, enlightening. I feel empowered and that's important. In fact, it may just be the only thing that matters.

I used to stay on the cool blue side, staying safe from danger and harm. But now, I'm walking through the danger zone, pushing my limits and experimenting with new red-velvet chemicals.
And you know what?

It feels good.

Epiphany = Mental Freedom

     Its a beautiful Saturday and I have tons of homework to do and I have a basketball game to attend AND I'm going to the movies tomorrow. Of course, here I am on my bed thinking about random stuff instead. So I have had an epiphany and now I know for sure I'm not just crazy and I'm not just obsessing over this A person. In fact, I wasn't even the person who noticed it. My friend reactivated his Facebook and one notification said "1mill (over exaggeration) mutual friends and he clicked it and thought it was me. Turns out it was A. And then everyone confirmed that he looks like I (purposeful error). Apparently apart from the same skin tone, we have the same eyes, same nose, same forehead, same smile. Of course at first I was freaking out and I fell to the floor in a short display of spasms but now? So many questions are being answered. Like "Why do I find him terribly attractive? " or "Why does he remind me of me?" and of course the "Why on earth does he seem so familiar?" It's like a window has been opened and this crisp breeze is so refreshing. I suppose I can say I don't like him any more but I still notice him in my sea of nearsightedness and I still feel a little stab when he looks me in the eye but I'm pretty sure that's it. Like legit, I was at the salad bar (getting lettuce for my burger duh (veggie burger though)) and he walked into the cafeteria (I felt it in my chest) and when I looked at me I noticed I was glaring at him. Or course I looked back up and smiled because I don't like being mean. I'm really proud of this moment though. It shows I'm not a total victim to his looks.

       Of course my friends will be happy to hear that I'm finished this because they all think I'm a dick, because I liked a dick. On Wednesday when we out to party a bit, and I was in a soberer state than most of my friends and I will not be able to count how many times they called him a dick. Of course I found it ridiculous and terribly annoying but I couldn't deny that it was the truth. I'm pretty sure one of them threatened to punch me in the face so defending him was the last thing I was about to do. Also a girl he's been trying to talk to has knocked him down a couple notches when we were talking to her so in my mind he's not oh-my-goodness-amazing-human-being-A anymore. Now he's just regular-guy-only-I-find-attractive-A.

It's weird how he's still the point of my whole blog post though.

Sine Graph

"I can get low...don't know which way is up. Yeah I can get high... like I can never come down" - Marilyn Monroe

My life? It's a sine graph. I'm like that in-between-the-chorus-and-verse-bridge of that Nicki Minaj song Marilyn Monroe. You don't have to look that up. I am destined to permanently to be up one day and down another. Like one moment I swear I'm super pissed at A and the other I'm making out with my hot guy friend from my Uglies dream. Yes this is a true story. I don't know what happened but it escalated quickly and happened for about five hours...

Sine graph.

Like one moment I'm laying down and he's trying to comfort me and the next, we're making out. What the heck is happening? We talked about and we're cool now but we're still in shock.

Sine graph

One of my suite-mates and I have decided we are going to be more like tangent graphs. Of course the two of us are still sine-ing it up. So we have decided to make rules. Rule #1. No making out with guys we don't know. Rule #2. Having a nice face does not count as knowing him. Of course theses are the only rules we have so far but still. I feel like they will be pretty effective. Of course we are trying to go out almost every day this week. Hmm, maybe those rules wont help anyone.

Sine graph

I'm done with A. I'm not going to get into it right now because its terribly embarrassing but just know that its seriously over. Total asshole status. But whatever, he is now the sexy asshole. Hmmm, I think I should change his name in my phone to that. I feel like that will help me not text him in case I forget.

Sine graph

Basically the moral of this story is boys will get you into trouble.