The Pretties

     Hmmm beauty. What does it mean? So I had this dream based on this book series I read called the Uglies. Read it. In my dream, everyone were "Uglies" and we were going to undergo a surgery that would turn us into "Pretties" (make our faces symmetrical, fix our skin, etc) and everyone became a pretty except one of my friends (he's pretty attractive btw). So this dream got me thinking about what it means to be beautiful. Turns out I have no clue. When guys compliment me I just brush it off. My mom raised me to not trust any boys compliments because they only want sex but her motto came with a few side effects. Like if I'm complimented too much I start to believe its not true. Or if I like a guy and my friends say "Don't worry you're gorgeous ", I feel like they're just saying that because they're my friends. Don't get me wrong, I like my face. In fact I love my face.
     If I get the chance I will probably look at myself. Maybe not for hours long but one or two seconds max. The thing is, just because I like my face doesn't mean I'm exactly "good-looking". I'm like a decent average looking person and you know what? I don't mind. In fact, it's not that important to me. I love myself and that's all that matters. Occasionally I will take a compliment to heart and it'll really make my day but usually I like when people compliment my intelligence or my sense of humor or stuff like that. That's why I've never understood why some of my friends think being pretty is the most important thing ever. In my dream my "ugly" friend was still attractive to me even though everyone thought he was hideous.

I don't really know where I'm going with this but the moral of this story is just calm down with the looks thing. Chances are you're fine just the way you are (as long as you upkeep yourself).

Carpe!

So its been a while I know but things have really been awesome lately. Firstly A and I are talking again. I know. What the heck am I thinking? Well, after I got slightly (incredibly) drunk on Sunday night (Yes Sunday night), I texted him right before I passed out. The next day we texted it out and now we're good. I assume we're just friends but he said I assume too much so I'll save that for later.
Also I went out last night but not to party and do-the-dirty like most girls at my college do on Wednesday nights. And I had thee best time ever. We went to this place called Taco Hell and I could just eat their tacos all night. Like legit tacos. And only for $2. Deal? I think so. Then we listened to these reggae/rock bands at this bar. They were white (with one black keyboardist) but the lead singers had locks. I usually don't like to see white people with locks but they looked so cute. Tacos and reggae/rock bands? Best night ever. I was also able to wake up this morning get to class and get breakfast. Most people aren't able to say that. I danced with the lead singer of one bands just cause but not serious or anything because I'm still so hype about my new texting buddy. I ran into him on my way to Trig and all through class I was on a different kind of high.
Starstruck?
I think so. He's hilarious and hot and he thinks he's smarter than me. Cute. I'm Lady J though. And that means I'm a genius. Anyways, even if I talk about him too much I don't care because apparently this is the happiest I've been in a long time. So here's some of the lamest advice you'll ever hear in your lifetime. If you want something? Go For It. My first tattoo? Carpe Noctem.

Look it up.

This Stress Will Be the Death of Me

I've been having thee most terrible week ever. Or maybe the best I'm not sure. So first of all (Jubidiah!) at the beginning of the week, the first person I run into in the cafeteria at Brunch is A, like legit almost ran into each other. Then he just walks away like he didn't see me. When I went to sit down my friends tell me he actually did say hi to me but just really softly. I like legit almost passed out. I even spilled my water all over the table. I'm just a wreck. And guess what? You know how Tuesdays are supposed to be my good days? Well my Tuesday was insane. So I was sitting at this picnic/bench apparatus and I put my hand under the table and apparently I disturbed this wasp-like creature cause it's whole family attacked me. I screamed and fell out of the bench and more stung me. I ran all the way to the second floor bathroom. I was stung on my right arm in three different places. My arm is still swollen. Universe why! At least in the cafeteria A came all the way back into the cafeteria to tell me Hi again. Apparently my Hi back was pretty pathetic though. I need to stop talking about him!!! Even though my heart legit stops when I see him. I'm near sighted but I'll see him at the back of the cafeteria perfectly when I just walk in. Is that weird?
Also I lost my identification. I lost my Student I.D. which is also my room key card. I've been running all around the campus looking for it. I still haven't found it and I was late to Trigonometry so I didn't get any credit for the day. I'm going to fail this class and lose my scholarship and drop out of college and die. On the bright side my suite-mates and friends have been thee most amazing people ever. They are hilarious and amazing. I love them so much. They make my life a little less suckish.

I Don't Understand Why...

     Boys are stupid. A doesn't want to talk to me and I don't blame him but I'm still hurt by it. I talked to him about everything and he said its okay but thats basically the last that we've texted. I don't even know if I like him or not but I do know I feel terrible about everything. Also, here's a funny side story. That super-awesome-amazing guy I was talking about has a girlfriend. I was only around for sex. I really though he was a sweet guy you know. We've known each other for years. Years. Thanks, you really made my goddamn day. This sounds a little sad and depressing but it's raining outside and I'm listening to I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace and it's on repeat. Also I might be on the verge of tears but I'm not sure because I'm so bad at expressing myself. He actually texted me today but I just couldn't answer back. I just can't. I'm just a hot mess. And I as I sit here trying to not destroy my keyboard with tiny drops of water that rain down from my eyeballs, I think to myself, I probably deserve this but just ten times worse. But that's okay because I'm just going to pick myself up and keep going.

     I've actually made up my mind about something. I'm not going to get together or do anything with anyone until it's a burning desire. Until its all I can think about and I feel terribly strong about it.

     Also one of my friend's told me I push guys away when they care about me. I think about most of my exes and I start to think "Maybe she's right..." Too bad that information doesn't help me now. I'm just about finished with guys.

     I don't even know what the moral of this story is. I'll just sit down here by myself in the middle of the night terribly confused.

A is for Accident?

So I feel as though I screwed this up big time. I always either over-react or under-react and this time I might have over-reacted. You remember that time I was screaming like a crazy person because I was venting? Well now I feel like it wasn't that serious. Now.... I feel like I have wronged A. Yes out of the blue I have wronged him. Cause I'm terribly mean. I'm actually giving myself multiple headaches thinking about this. I don't know why its bothering me so much. Do I need closure? Do I really like him? Why? There's just something about him. Why do I continually stress myself out? I saw him last night. His friends were standing next to my friends and I kissed someone else right in front of him. Maybe he really didn't care. Maybe he was hurt. I don't know. His friend won't talk to me anymore. Basically. So that means A is upset right. I'm def going to talk to him after I think this through a little more. What if I'm over-reacting (again) though and he seriously does not care. Then I'll look like an idiot. I guess that's a chance I'm willing to take. I mean I didn't even say hi to him. Sometimes I think he's just so sweet and shy. And other times I'm just like nope, he's a total player. I'm going back to school on Saturday and if I don't do something before then, I'll be thee most awkward person in the cafeteria at dinner (cause that's the only time I see him). I'm going to talk to him. Because I'm a fool. A total pawn in his hands. Or its what I'm supposed to do. I just don't know.

I just took a walk and I've decided that I will do this. Just the look that his friend gave me was just like "Damn, you're a terrible person." I guess I will do it now so wish me luck.