I'm Legit

So I just realized something. That I'm amazing. Like super/seriously amazing. And I'm not trying to be cocky, because I know there are people who are ten times more amazing than I am. People who accomplish greater things, kinder people and more well known people but in my eyes, I'm legit. Am I excited to have found this information out? Of course I'm excited to have realized this. I'm this amazing person with a personality that's never been seen before and if someone doesn't understand that, I'm fine with it. There might not be dozens of people lined up at my door to date me and I might not be the coolest person out there but I know there are people who would love to be with me somewhere out there. I just have to wait and be patient. I! am not pathetic and I refused be thought of as such (by myself) anymore. I'm not about to chase after something that's not there. Writing this just makes me smile. And I think I'll be okay.

Also it's Summer Time!!!!! Today is my last day of classes and then I have exams next week. Then I'm finished with school!!!!! Until a week later when I have to come back and take an extra course because its not offered next semester. Strangely though, I'm really excited. Its not like it's Summer School, I'm just taking a course this Summer. I've never done schooling in the summer before so I want to see what it's like. I kinda hope I'll be in a room by myself this summer. It'll be an interesting change from staying in a room with 5 other girls. I can't wait!

On a more important note. If there's anyone out there who wants to help me out. One of my closest friends is in military school and he ended up in the hospital and he's in a rough place right now. He's doing fine for now but he's about to get some news that could change is life. If there is anyone who believes in prayer, can you just keep him in your heart? Thank you so much.

I'm Excited and Nervous

     I'm about to have the best day ever tomorrow, or today. The semester is almost over and I'm about to go out with a bang. Not literally. I could get thrown in jail for that. Last semester at this time I did something I never thought I would do so this semester I have to do the same.
     So this weekend was amazing. My university has two campuses and some students from the next one came over to participate in what we call the Spring Olympics. We competed in different sports and activities for the whole weekend. My campus won naturally but I also got to see my best friend. I also met some really cool people who's company I'm going to miss. I think I mostly enjoyed this weekend because it opened my eyes to something. I realized just how much attention I've been receiving from a certain somebody so that's what I'm going to deal with tomorrow.
Oh so guess what!
     So I'm warming up for volleyball and a bunch of us are bumping and spiking in one circle. So everyone's bumping, spiking, digging, setting and that guy who've I've been obsessing over for decades now decides that it'll be a great idea to spike the ball at my face. I of course dodge it because I have amazing reflexes though. I'm really proud of that because it was coming in fast, but I also can't stop smiling though because even though I gave him the worst look I could possibly give a person, at one point we were just bumping to each other, no one else. I'm such a loser but I really do enjoy volleyball. There's just always a reason to love volleyball. And cute boys. But mostly volleyball. So if we mix the two I'll be very happy. Don't even get me started on what happened at the beach. It really was a great weekend though. Hopefully I can make this a great week too.

The Ugly Ducking

So I went home for the weekend because my godmother died (Bless Her Soul) and it turns out my big ex came home for Spring Break. All my friends said he was there so I texted him. He was at our local pub an he accidentally sent me the text "I bet she doesn't even think about me". So I'm like what are you talking about and he says I won't understand and even if I do it doesn't matter. So I texted back I'm sorry and he texts back that doesn't mean anything coming from you.

Yeah, it kinda stung.

Then the next day I asked him to come over so we could see each other before we leave and he said okay. We talked and caught up and everything was awesome, except I felt different around him. I just felt... ugly. And lame. Like I shouldn't have even been talking to him. Like I wasn't good enough for him. It's not like he looked amazing and I paled in comparison to the new him or anything like that. I just suddenly felt like the ugliest person on the planet. Like all my flaws were multiplied by a thousand. I felt sunburned and fat, like I was balding and my hair was falling out, peeling and discolored skin. Just gross. Like I almost couldn't stay in the same room as him. Lately I've been really confident with how I look, but last night. I just felt different around him. The next day I felt fine, like a swan or a butterfly, but last night. All my confidence just shriveled up and left.

The last time I felt like that, was in my freshman year of high school. Like an ugly loser who just doesn't fit in amongst everyone else. What the fuck happened to me last night?

I just can't stop thinking about it.